The Forgiveness Phoenix: How Grief Transforms You Into a Stronger Self
Reading Time: 6 minutesIntroduction
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Many think it’s a single decision—something we choose to do and instantly feel lighter. But real forgiveness is a process, and that process requires us to first sit with grief.
When someone betrays us or deeply hurts us, we don’t just lose trust—we lose a part of ourselves. The part that believed in them. The part that saw the world a certain way. To truly forgive, we must grieve what was lost.
This is where the Forgiveness Phoenix comes in. Just as a phoenix must first burn before it can rise, we must confront our grief, allow the old self to fall away, and step into a new chapter of self-love.
If you’ve struggled with forgiving someone—or even yourself—it may be because you haven’t allowed yourself to grieve. In this blog, we’ll explore why grief is an essential step to forgiveness, how childhood trauma influences this process, and how you can move forward using powerful rituals and mindset shifts.
Let’s begin.
The Science of Grief and Forgiveness: Why Letting Go Feels So Hard
A phoenix doesn’t rise without first burning, and in the same way, we cannot step into full forgiveness without passing through the fire of grief.
From a psychological standpoint, grief is the mind’s natural response to loss and a complex emotional experience. Research indicates that grief involves a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and denial, and it can significantly impact mental health.
This isn’t just about losing someone or something external—it’s about losing parts of ourselves, our dreams, or our identity. When someone betrays us, we don’t just grieve their actions—we grieve the version of ourselves that believed in them.
If we skip this grieving process, we remain attached to the pain because it has become tied to our identity.
Neuroscience tells us that when we avoid grief, we avoid the reality of our loss and can be detrimental. Studies have shown that suppressing emotions can lead to increased activity in the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center, potentially exacerbating anxiety and depression. Our brain holds onto the past as a survival mechanism, believing that if we stay in the pain, we can protect ourselves from it happening again. But this avoidance keeps us trapped in the past, leading to anxiety, depression, and even physical ailments.
On the other hand, research shows that when we consciously process grief, we activate areas of the brain responsible for self-awareness and emotional regulation. This allows us to make sense of our experiences, integrate them, and move forward with true forgiveness.
This is why people often say they have “tried to forgive” but still feel resentment. The real issue isn’t an unwillingness to forgive—it’s an unwillingness to grieve.
To learn more about emotional resilience check out our guide.
How Childhood Trauma Shapes Our Ability to Forgive
Forgiveness and grief are deeply connected to our earliest experiences. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed, where emotional pain was ignored, or where trust was constantly broken, grieving and forgiving may feel unsafe.
Childhood trauma has a profound impact on emotional development and the ability to form healthy relationships. Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) shows that early trauma can lead to difficulties in emotional regulation, trust, and self-worth. In a foundational study, Felitti et al. (1998) found that individuals with high ACE scores were significantly more likely to experience long-term emotional struggles, including difficulty processing grief and extending forgiveness (Felitti, V. J., et al., 1998).
Furthermore, neuroscience research highlights that childhood trauma can alter brain function, particularly in areas related to emotional regulation. The amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex—critical regions for processing fear, memory, and decision-making—are often affected in individuals who have experienced early trauma (Teicher, M. H., et al., 2002). This makes both grief and forgiveness more challenging, as the brain remains wired for self-protection rather than emotional release.
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How Unhealed Childhood Trauma Shapes Forgiveness
When we experience betrayal, rejection, or emotional wounds in childhood, our nervous system stores that pain as a survival mechanism. This can lead to deeply ingrained patterns, such as:
- Associating emotional expression with weakness or danger.
- Becoming hyper-vigilant, always on guard for potential betrayal.
- Struggling to trust others, making forgiveness feel unsafe.
- Holding onto resentment as a shield to prevent further hurt.
If we were never taught how to process pain in a healthy way, we unconsciously carry these patterns into adulthood—impacting our relationships, self-worth, and emotional well-being.
2. How These Trauma Patterns Manifest in Everyday Life
💼 In the Workplace:
- Holding onto grudges against colleagues or supervisors.
- Feeling personally attacked by constructive feedback.
- Struggling with feeling undervalued or unseen, triggering past wounds.
🏫 In School:
- Avoiding deep friendships due to fear of betrayal or rejection.
- Overreacting to criticism from teachers or peers.
- Becoming stuck in perfectionism or self-doubt, constantly seeking approval.
👶 In Parenting:
- Reacting harshly when a child expresses strong emotions, mirroring past experiences.
- Finding it difficult to apologize or admit mistakes.
- Overcompensating by being overly controlling or permissive, trying to prevent childhood pain from repeating.
These patterns do not define who you are—they are conditioned responses from unresolved pain. The moment we recognize them, we create an opportunity for healing and transformation.
Learn More about ACEs from our nonprofit, Prism Lite.
The Phoenix Process: Moving Through Grief to Reach Forgiveness
If grief is the fire, then forgiveness is the flight that comes after. But first, we have to be willing to burn away the old story.
- Grief as the Fire, Forgiveness as the Flight
Forgiveness is not just about releasing anger toward another person—it’s about releasing the version of yourself that was hurt. This requires a deep, sometimes painful acknowledgment of what was lost.
Instead of asking, “Why did this happen to me?” ask, “What part of me am I still holding onto?”
Sometimes, we struggle to forgive because we are still attached to the version of ourselves that was wronged. We don’t know who we will be without the pain, and that fear of the unknown keeps us stuck.
- The Ho’oponopono Practice: A Tool for Emotional Release
One of the most effective forgiveness practices comes from Hawaiian tradition—Ho’oponopono. This mantra is not just about forgiving others, but about releasing attachment to our own suffering.
The practice consists of four simple but profound statements:
🔹 I’m sorry.
🔹 Please forgive me.
🔹 Thank you.
🔹 I love you.
This process works because it acknowledges grief. It allows us to apologize to ourselves for holding onto pain, ask for inner forgiveness, express gratitude for what the experience taught us, and reaffirm love for the person we are becoming.
Studies show that repeating these words activates brain regions associated with emotional regulation and empathy, helping to dissolve resentment at a neurological level.
Rituals for Releasing Grief and Inviting Forgiveness
- The Ashes of the Past: Writing and Burning Letters
One of the most powerful ways to process grief is through writing. This practice externalizes emotions, allowing the brain to make sense of them.
Steps to Try:
- Write a letter to the person who hurt you—or to yourself. Express every raw emotion without filtering.
- Read it aloud if you feel called.
- Safely burn it, watching the flames transform the pain into ash, into release, into transformation.
- Mirror Work: Rebirthing Your Self-Worth
After grief has been processed, there is space for a new self to emerge. But this requires self-forgiveness.
Stand in front of a mirror, look into your own eyes, and say:
“I forgive you. I release you. I love you.”
At first, resistance may rise. That resistance is the old version of yourself fighting to stay alive. But if you continue, the resistance fades, and something new takes its place: self-compassion.
(Want to dig deeper into self-compassion?)
Frequently Asked (Frequency Attunement) Questions (FAQs)
What is a Frequency Attunement Question (FAQ)?
These are not just common questions, but deeper energy-shifting questions that help you attune to a higher frequency of healing.
- Why is forgiveness so hard for me?
It may be because you are bypassing grief. If you still feel resentment, ask yourself: “Have I truly mourned what was lost?”
- How do I know if I’ve fully forgiven someone?
When you can think about the person or event without feeling triggered or emotionally drained. Forgiveness is not about forgetting—it’s about feeling free.
- What if I don’t want to forgive?
That’s okay! Forgiveness is not forced—it’s a choice. If you’re not ready, focus on self-compassion first. Healing happens in layers.
- How can I forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
Forgiveness is not for them—it’s for you. Letting go of resentment doesn’t mean excusing their actions, it means freeing yourself.
- How do I forgive myself for past mistakes?
Self-forgiveness is often harder than forgiving others. Start with mirror work and Ho’oponopono. The more you practice self-love, the easier it becomes.
Closing Thoughts: Your Phoenix Moment
Forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing what happened. It’s about releasing the weight of your own suffering, grieving what was lost, and stepping into the next version of yourself.
What part of your past are you ready to burn away? Let me know in the comments—your story might inspire someone else to rise, too.
🔗 Want more guidance? Watch my YouTube video on The Forgiveness Phoenix here.
Until next time, beautiful souls—elevate your vibration, transform your life.
Okay, I will add credible sources to the blog post to enhance its reputation, focusing on the psychological and neurological aspects of grief and forgiveness, as well as the impact of childhood trauma.
